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How to Get Out of a Controlling Relationship

Saoirse
By Saoirse
April 29, 2022
How to Get Out of a Controlling Relationship
How to Get Out of a Controlling Relationship
TL;DRHow to handle a controlling person may seem like a mystery, but it’s easier than you think. Learn about controlling behaviors, mistakes we make that allow people to control us, how to stop controlling behavior, and why it’s okay to cut ties with controlling people with Mysticsense.

Different types of men and women come into our lives on a daily basis, and in the developmental stages of relationships, bad habits can develop. New people may woo us with their charm or fun times, but when they bring to the table abuse, heartache, and headaches because they are controlling, they are more trouble than they are worth. Sometimes, relationships are used for more than emotional wellbeing and love, and people use relationships as a way to control somebody.  What can you do if you discover you are the victim of a controlling individual, and how can you stop their controlling behavior? How can you get out of a controlling relationship with your heart and sanity intact, and what comes after life in a controlling relationship?

What is Controlling Behavior?

How to Get Out of a Controlling Relationship

Controlling behavior is when somebody does things to manipulate you to do the things they want, rather than respecting your right to do what you want to do. This is different from the people who love us trying to get us to make a good decision or do the right thing. Controlling people can be overly dependent, they can use you, they can make demands, they can take but not give anything in return, or be downright abusive.

Is My Boyfriend Too Dependent on Me?

A man or woman who is being overly dependent may be doing so out of fear, selfishness, or outright laziness. Some people are terrified of being alone, and rather than working on their own problems, seek to comfort themselves by having somebody by their side at all times. It’s not unusual for small children to be afraid to leave a parent’s side, but slowly, they seek out a bit of independence, and fun times with other kids their own age without having their parents always around. It is not normal to find alone time or time without one person difficult or impossible, and if somebody is refusing to give you time apart from them, something is wrong. A visit to a clinical counselor can reveal just what is going on, and medical treatment can be started.

While we all experience a bit of selfishness, to go overboard expecting somebody to do things only with us, disregarding their need for autonomy is selfish. Your loved one who relies on you for too much is thinking only of themselves, and truthfully, if there were to think more carefully, they would understand that being overly reliant on one person puts them at risk. What happens if that one person is unable to do the things they expect them to? Who will step in and help instead to make sure things get done. It doesn’t benefit the selfish person who won’t let their loved one have time apart from them any more than it benefits the person being controlled, and you don’t have to tolerate that kind of treatment.

Going beyond fear or selfishness, some people become lazy, expecting other people to do things for them that they are quite capable of doing for themselves. Some young men want their wives or girlfriends to pick up after them like a maid would and become angry if their lady expects them to do their fair share of the housework. On the flip side, some women deliberately marry a man who they expect to give them unlimited amounts of money, but they don’t want to do anything for themselves. One man divorced his wife who refused to help take care of their children although he worked, paid all the bills, and she did nothing to contribute to the household. Laziness compromises relationships, and it’s okay to9 tell somebody they are not allowed to expect you to do too much for them.

Signs You are Being Used by a Woman or Man

Aside from people being overly reliant on you for resources or to do things for them, a sure sign you are being used is if you only hear from someone when they want something. Do you know somebody who you never get a call or text from unless they are asking for a favor? Is there someone who just happens to have a task or list of tasks for you to complete for them each and every time you talk? They are users, and do not value you as a human being, but see you as only somebody who does things for them. You don’t have to do anything for them unless you want to, and you are not under any obligation to be around users.

Demands

Placing demands on people is another type of controlling behavior. Your boss may know it is your grandmother’s eightieth birthday celebration, and you and your entire family have planned a long weekend trip to spend it with her- and yet demand you work overtime all that weekend instead. Your neighbor may demand that your lights be out at your house by nine P.M., claiming your lights keep them awake- yet they refuse to get curtains to darken their bedroom. Demanding people often have what is called a sense of entitlement, meaning they expect people to do unnecessary things for them, and they may become belligerent if told no. They believe they deserve whatever unreasonable demands they have, and don’t understand why they do not deserve everything they expect. You can still tell them no, even though it upsets them.

Taking and Not Giving

In all relationships, we do things for one another. If your car breaks down, your friend will drive you to the grocery until your car is repaired, and in turn, you will pick their sister up from the bus station to help out. Unfortunately, there are some people who take things, but give nothing in return. It might take you a while to figure it out, most especially if they go out of their way to tell you how appreciative they are, but eventually you will be able to tell. Think of all the things you have done for someone, most especially if you do things for them often, and if you cannot think of one thing they have done for you, they are just around for what they can get you to do for them. Refusing to give to people who will not reciprocate is okay, and a good way to keep takers who won’t give away.

Abuse

Controlling behavior is a form of abuse. Trying to take away somebody else’s choices, and remote control everything they do is not good. The person doing this to you may have done this to you for so long, you don’t even realize it’s happening. Some abusers won’t allow the people they control to make their own decisions about anything, even what kind of drink they want to have with dinner, and get angry if the person they control dare try to make a decision of their own. They may tell you how to dress, and make fun of clothes you choose for yourself to try and make you too ashamed to wear anything they don’t choose for you to wear themselves. They may not get violent with you but belittling you and shaming you for trying to make your own decisions is just as abusive as physical abuse, and it hurts just as badly. You can say no to any form of abuse.

When You Messed Up in a Relationship

How to Get Out of a Controlling Relationship

There are things we can do that make it easier for people to control us, and we may not even realize we are doing it. Even though we are responsible for what we do, and sometimes our mistakes make it easy for people to take advantage of us, their behavior is still their fault. Seeing what we do to help people control us, and no longer choosing to do those things can help stop the controlling behavior immediately.

Loving Someone Too Much

Loving someone more than they love you happens sometimes, and it’s not a choice. How to overcome being a woman who loves too much may be impossible. We can’t always choose how we feel about somebody, but we can control how we act on those feelings. Is it possible to love someone too much? The problem isn’t loving too much, but not being loved in return. If you love someone, so you give in to their every request, even if you do things that hurt you is not loving them too much. It’s not loving yourself enough. Recognizing when somebody uses the fact you love them to control you will help you see they don’t love you in return, and you don’t ever have to do things for people who don’t love you.

Being Too Available

It’s one thing to call people back, come home on time, or be where you say you are, but it’s quite another thing to be at somebody’s beck and call at all times no matter what. Do they demand you stop showering and go do something for them? Do they expect you to never spend time with friends or family, but be with them at all times? Do they refuse to allow you adequate time to sleep because they want you to go do things for them instead? Do they refuse to allow you personal time, and you have agreed to this? Set boundaries on your personal time and tell them they are going to have to respect it. Visit friends and family, sleep, shower, and take the time for yourself that you need. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary and anybody worth having a relationship with will understand this.

Feeling Pity

What does pity mean? It means you feel sorry for somebody for some reason and feeling pity for someone should not allow them to control you. One man felt pity for a woman who stated she had become homeless, so he allowed her to move in with him. She took control of his finances, spending thousands of dollars on herself, and verbally attacked and derided him when he tried to stop her. He had to go through law enforcement to get rid of her, but he never got the money back she spent. Everybody suffers and deserves a helping hand, but not everybody is honest about their struggles and some people will use your pity to extort things from you. Don’t allow it.

Being Guilted into Things

What does a guilty conscience mean to a user? If they can prey on the guilt somebody feels, they can use it to their advantage is what it means to them. We all make mistakes and do things we regret. That is unavoidable, but the thing we need to focus on is how we learn from our mistakes and how we become better people as we grow. If we have done wrong, we need to acknowledge it and make amends for it. However, if you lived rent free with a friend for a month, in exchange for you driving them every place they ask to be taken- six months after you move out, you are not ungrateful if you don’t want to be their personal chauffeur. Them saying you are selfish and took free rent and ditched them is unfair, and you don’t need to feel guilty for saying you can give them no more rides.

Controlling Behaviors in the Signs

How to Get Out of a Controlling Relationship

It is not fair to assume any one Zodiac sign can be more controlling than any other sign. Being controlling is a behavior, meaning it is something that is learned. However, if some signs engaged in controlling behavior, what would they be likely to do? The stories shared actually happened, and yes the individuals who did these things belonged to the Zodiac sign it says they did. Not all members of the signs behave in exactly the same ways, but if they were to be controlling, there are ways they would likely do so.

Are Pisces Controlling?

Pisces people are not especially known to be controlling, but stranger things have happened. One Pisces woman used her empathic abilities to know exactly how to control people. It was discovered months later she had used multiple people for both sex and money, and she knew just what to say to get them to keep things she was doing a secret. After she moved out of town, one individual she used contacted her to confront her about it, and the Pisces accused the individual of being unstable and told them to get over them because “I am over you.” Many Pisces people use their empathic abilities to help people, but this woman didn’t, unfortunately.

Are Sagittarians Controlling?

Sagittarians can be as controlling as any other sign, and one Sagittarian used his personal charm to get people to pay all his bills. He managed to find people to move in with , one after another and managed to make excuses for quitting jobs and mooching off his roommates for money instead. He was able to endear himself to them because they thought he was a lot of fun, and they enjoyed living with such a lively individual. Eventually, he got engaged to somebody who had to pay all the bills by themselves while he stayed home spending their money all day. Thankfully, the engagement was broken and the fiancée left him. Not before he found somebody else to move in with who paid all his bills for him, but she didn’t seem to mind because they had a lot of good times together.

Are Scorpios Controlling?

Some Scorpio’s may be controlling, but if they do, they will say they are in the right, and are acting out of tough love, or retaliating because they have been mistreated. One Scorpio man took a student into his course of study. They became roommates, and such close friends, people wrongly assumed they were a couple. The Scorpio bought matching clothes for their student/friend, and they did everything together. The student told the Scorpio they felt controlled and wanted to do things with other people, and the Scorpio was very angry. They furthermore told their mutual friends they wanted everybody to turn against their student, but the mutual friends refused.

Not all Scorpios will be controlling, let alone vindictive, or try to be at somebody’s side at all times, but if they do, they will believe they are doing what is right and if they are told they are in the wrong, they will be genuinely surprised.

Are Aries Controlling?

Is an Aries controlling? Sometimes an Aries woman can be, but it’s easy to tell if an Aries man or woman is being controlling and typically just as easy to redirect. They start yelling and demanding people do as they say. One Aries man was especially controlling about food. He even had such a loud screaming fit in a grocery store that did not have the brand of frozen pizza he wanted, he was banned from that store for life. It wasn’t that he was particular about what he ate, because he ate pretty much anything. It was when he was eating that he yelled and demanded things for some reason. He was easy to redirect, however, and was pretty mild mannered aside from mealtime. Maybe he was what could be called “hangry”, but he became very demanding, shouting orders when he was eating.

How to Get Out of a Controlling Relationship

How to Get Out of a Controlling Relationship

The First Step

The very first step in cutting off somebody’s ability to control you is to decide you deserve better. No matter how much you may love them, no matter how much it may hurt, and no matter how much they may fight you initially, once you decide you are finished with allowing their mistreatment, there is no going back. Yet, until you decide once and for all things are unacceptable, and you want out, no change can happen. Once you decide you want out of the controlling relationship, there are some steps you can take on your way out that will help send the message that enough is enough, and you are done.

Set Boundaries

Sometimes, we are lucky, and change can happen in our relationships. Telling your partner that something is not working in the relationship should result in them immediately caring about how they make you feel and changing their behavior. If calling you by the nickname you loathed as an awkward teenager bothers you, tell them to stop. If they had not realized it upset you, and they immediately stop, then the problem is solved. Unfortunately, some behaviors don’t stop, and it’s a sign the individual simply doesn’t care about how they make you feel. Despite their insistence in continuing the behavior, you still don’t have to tolerate it.

If your family member makes fun of your weight every time you call, you can say “I have told you that I refuse to listen to you body shame me. I am getting off the phone now. We can talk when you can be respectful of me and my body.” And simply hang up the phone. Do it enough and they will stop. If they don’t, you are not required to communicate with them. If a co-worker keeps touching you even though you repeatedly asked them not to then report the behavior and file harassment charges. They will stop. Your neighbor is not allowed to blast their music loud in the wee hours of the morning, and you don’t have to “be nice” about asking them not to. Turn them in to the landlord. They asked for it.

People who are not personally involved with us may be easier to stop than friends, close family members, and significant others. Setting boundaries may be more difficult with them than the co-worker who you don’t want touching you, but how to handle a controlling friend or lover is done the same way you handle a controlling neighbor. You say no. The road to happiness isn’t paved by giving in to mistreatment, but it is paved in advocating for yourself when somebody doesn’t treat you properly. Yes, even if it upsets them. Upsetting a controlling person by telling them to stop it is better than them breaking your heart with their controlling behavior.

Step Away

Besides telling somebody you will talk to them when they can be nicer, you may have to cut off communication if the behavior doesn’t stop. This is not to punish them, but so you can heal and preserve your own mental health. Sometimes, the separation period can be temporary, but sometimes, you have to cut somebody out of your life completely if they are wreaking havoc on your emotional wellbeing. No, you do not owe anybody room in your life if they don’t treat you properly, and it doesn’t matter who they are. They may be your parent, your best friend, your significant other, or even one of your adult children, but it doesn’t matter. You do not owe anybody a place in your life if they mistreat you.

Read that again. You do not owe anybody a place in your life if they mistreat you. Ever. You may have many years invested in a relationship with somebody, but if the relationship is bad for you, remember that there are plenty of other people who you can include in your life who will be good for you and who your feelings and needs matter to. One more time- you do not owe anybody a place in your life if they mistreat you. Sometimes how to deal with a controlling person is not to allow them around you at all, and that’s okay.

Take Back Control of Your Life

If your spouse confiscated your paycheck and spent it on themselves leaving you nothing, then take back control of your finances. Pay your own bills, handle your own savings account, and buy yourself that new pair of shoes so you can start jogging again like you have been saying you want to do. If your best friend pressured you into only spending weekends with them, enjoy time with other people you have been meaning to get together with. If your controlling and manipulative boyfriend didn’t want you to have a dog because he disliked them, it’s time for a trip to your local animal shelter to adopt a dog- or two! It’s your life and you have every right to make your own decisions about how to live it.

It’s Time to Bloom!

How to Get Out of a Controlling Relationship

Time will heal a broken heart if you loved the person who controlled you but you decided it was time to say goodbye. It might hurt when they are gone initially, but once you have found the time to blossom and thrive, you will realize that nothing hurts as much as being in a toxic relationship. Being one of the beautiful warrior women who has survived a bad relationship will empower you to live your best life, and that includes being in healthy relationships that nurture you.

What does it mean when you see a brighter future for yourself finally after all that struggle and heartache that came from a controlling relationship and the difficult process of escaping it? It means you finally understand there is life- and a better one for you- after a bad relationship. Nobody deserves to be mistreated and nobody has the right to control you. The good part is there is a way out.

We may not be able to decide how other people behave, but we can control our reactions and what and who we allow in our own lives. Don’t hesitate to stand up for yourself if somebody isn’t treating you properly, and never feel bad about kicking somebody to the curb who isn’t good to have a relationship with. You deserve the best relationships, and just because some controlling individual won’t give you that doesn’t mean nobody will.


How to Get Out of a Controlling RelationshipAbout the Author: Saoirse has studied magic and lore for most of her life, but started walking her own Magical Path after being spiritually reborn in the desert. Today she shares her gifts as a Psychic and Content Writer for Mysticsense and she writes for Pagan Pages emag.

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